Can you please comment on my first two paragraphs for a story?

What they are complaining about is your writing style. If that is how you want to write, yes...it is okay to use big words in your stories. They are in the dictionary, right? Just because maybe most writers don't, doesn't mean none can. It does sound a bit overdone though, but then again, I am not one to like Jane Austen either. Take a peek at her writing, she uses so many crazy "big" words...you really wonder if she talked like that! She is considered a clic writer. Write how you want. If you really aren't specifically trying to seek out hard words, just keep writing. If you are, slow it down and don't try so hard, as it isn't that necessary.